The Adventures of Trigon the Demon
by BoredInGymClass
Summary: This is a story basically based on random shit the writers think about while bored at school/weird shit we hear at school. Trigon's in it because one of the authors has a serious Teen Titans problem.
1. Trigon Shaves his Legs

**Hi! This is Rachel and Claire, bringing you stories mostly made of gym class and Rachel's problematic Teen Titans obsession. This is crackfic... so we don't actually believe this would happen in character. Also, we're sort of insane.**

Trigon Shaves his Legs on Top of the Chrysler Building

Trigon was sitting on the top of the Chrysler Building contemplating life and realized he had very hairy legs. There was hair everywhere! He rubbed his hands across the fuzz and realized he must do something about it! But what could he possibly do?

Jump into a volcano? No. Pour acid on his legs? Also no. Maybe lick the leg hair off? Ugh, none of these ideas would work!

Then an idea came to mind! His daughter, Raven, always had silky smooth legs. She must know how to get rid of that disgusting leg hair!

….

Trigon decided to go ask her. But what he saw was something he had never wanted to see.

Raven was on the bottom bunk of a bunk bed, mounting a green human. Clothes were strewn everywhere. Trigon decided to break the awkwardness by saying something.

"Hey, Raven! How do you get rid of your leg hair?" Trigon says, awkwardly, feeling weird for seeing… more than he wanted to see.

"OH. MY. CHUCK. Dad-ummmmmm…. Random demon thingie, what the fuck do you want?!" Raven exclaimed.

"How do you get your legs so silky smooth?" Trigon asked, awkwardly trying not to see his daughter's nipples.

"Seriously? That's why you interrupted my sex?" Raven screamed.

"I'm sorry, okay?" Trigon says, tearing up a bit.

"Um….. Raven? Do you know this weird random demon dude?" The green human, who goes by Beast Boy or Garfield Logan asked.

"Go to your room, Gar!" Raven snapped.

"But we're _in_ my room!" Gar insisted. Raven kicked him in the balls.

"SHIIIIITTTTT! Um… ok, I'll go into the bathroom or something." Gar said, in a slightly higher pitched voice than usual.

"Are you using protection?" Trigon asked in a worried tone.

"I'm half demon. Don't you know anything about biology?"

"That doesn't protect you from STDs!"

"Whatever. So WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE?!"

"Like I said. How do you get your legs so silky smooth?"

"I fucking shave, you dumbass. Next time use the chuckdamn internet."

…

Trigon goes to the odd place that Raven called a "store" and looks for the section that contained shaving utensils. He kept getting weird looks and he wasn't totally sure why. Oh, his fly was open. Also, he has red skin. Meh. He finally found those weird thingies that Raven called "razors" and teleported back to the top of the Chrysler building. (A/N when Trigon grew back to his demon size the razors grew with him)

He tried opening the box but he eventually gave up and just used his laser eyes to open it. Luckily, the razors were still okay. A few hundred civilians weren't, but that was to be expected.

He slowly dragged the razor up his leg and big tufts of leg hair fell onto New York. "FORKY MCPORKY PANTS WHAT IS THAT!" (a/n Claire went crazy during gym class and shouted "forky mcporky pants" instead of saying fuck) a New Yorker exclaimed. The New Yorkers in the zone of the leg hair ran for their lives to avoid the humongous leg hair. Sadly, there were many who didn't survive the leg hair but they were New Yorkers, so who gives a shit about them.

Trigon had eventually finished shaving after 3 hours because it takes a long time to shave when you're 240 feet tall. Humming happily, he teleported back to Raven to thank her, where he found her giving that green dude a blowjob.

"CHUCKDAMNIT RAVEN WHY DO I ALWAYS WALK IN ON YOU DOING SEXY STUFF WITH A GREEN DUDE?!" Trigon screamed, annoyed that he had to keep walking in on this shit.

"WELL MAYBE YOU COULD HAVE USED A CELL-PHONE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, DA- I mean…. Random demon guy…." Raven said, almost revealing Trigon's relation to her to Beast Boy yet again. Raven was a terrible liar. Too bad she was also a double agent.

"Thank you for the advice about the razor, Raven. Look how pretty and smooth my legs are!" Trigon says as he spins in a circle to show off his legs, his loincloth flying up.

"Good for you, and don't ever spin like that again" Raven said, clearly annoyed and scarred for life and maybe slightly aroused cause this is a TT fanfiction.

"FEEL THEM THEY FEEL LIKE HELL" Trigon said, proud of his legs.

"You missed a spot behind your knee" Raven pointed out.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Trigon yells, as he collapses on his knees.

"I'd comfort you, but when I did the same thing after Arella died you told me to 'get over it'" Raven snapped.

"But this is actually something important!" Trigon exclaimed. Raven sighed.

…

Trigon teleported back to the top of the Chrysler Building. He was annoyed, he missed a spot while shaving! Then he realized, his balls are hairy! Everything was horrible and life sucks and everyone should DIE. He tried shaving them but then he cried out in pain. "Those dumb blades hurt my balls" Trigon muttered. He decided to teleport back to Raven but this time his eyes were closed for he didn't want to see that weird little green dude's dick.

…

"Are you guys naked or doing sexual things?" Trigon asked as he teleported back to Raven's bedroom. "What the fuck dad- Trigon stop teleporting into my room!"

"That guy's your dad?" Gar asked, confused.

"NO! I'm completely human! Don't listen to anything anyone says because language evolves and who knows what anyone's saying!"

"Okaaaaaaaaay…." Beast Boy replied, confused as to how a red guy with horns and four eyes could be "human".

"And if you must know, random demon guy, no, we're not naked this time." Raven spat. Trigon opened his eyes, and saw that Raven and that green dude were playing scrabble.

"What do you want now you idjit?" Raven asked, clearly annoyed.

"I realized that my balls were very hairy and I tried shaving them but it hurt! So I don't know what to do!" Trigon said, clearly scared.

"WHAT THE HELL TRIGON? JUST WAX CHUCKDAMNIT AND STOP TELEPORTING TO ME!"

….

Trigon teleported back onto the Chrysler Building with waxing strips that were about 15 feet long. He threw off his loincloth and yelled "watch out below!" this time. Last time he was upset that the people below had died because then they couldn't look at his pretty hairless legs!

He took a gallon of wax and cried out in pain as he put it on his balls. Luckily he had regenerative powers so he would be fine. He then applied the strip onto his balls and teared the strip off.

"OH MY DIGGITY DOG HIPPOPOTAMUS LITTLE WALLER!" he screamed as he felt the pain from it (A/N Claire has a knack for thinking of weird curses). Luckily the pain went away after a second and his balls were nice and smooth! He stroked them and they were like the skin of a dolphin. Or of a murdered baby. Meh, same thing.

Trigon wondered whether or not he should show Raven his newly waxed balls. On one hand, he was proud of them and wanted to show them off. But on the other hand, he didn't want to walk in on that weird little green dude doing sexual things with Raven. Also, that seemed like one of the things Liana the therapist (A/N will be mentioned in later chapters) had said might make her feel like he was violating her personal space.

Trigon decided that he would instead show Starfire because he was lonely and needed to show off his newly waxed balls.

…

Trigon teleported to Koriand'r and walked in on her and Dick having sex.

"WHY IS EVERYONE HAVING SEX TODAY CHUCKDAMNIT" Trigon exclaims, clearly annoyed.

"What the fuck?! Get out of here! Who even are you?!" Richard screamed at the red demon who had just entered the room. Dick and Kori quickly threw some clothes on. Like, literally. They threw clothes at each other.

"Why does nobody like me?" Trigon said, close to tears.

"It is alright odd demon thing," Koriand'r said, trying to comfort the strange demon thing who clearly had some deep rooted issues.

"So… um…. Why are you even here?" Dick asked.

"Oh yeah! I want to show you my balls!" Trigon exclaimed.

"What the fuck?" Robin asked, clearly not expecting that response.

"Well you see, I just got them waxed and they're so smooth! Pretty please? I want to show them off!" Trigon says.

"Of course, odd four eyed being!" Kori says, trying to be nice and to get the demon out as quickly as possible.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKK! Thank you so much! You won't regret it!" Trigon said, as Kori already regretted it.

Dick just walked out of the room with a defeated look on his face and said, "Bye motherfuckers"  
"... why are they so round and plastic-y?" Kori asked once Trigon had proudly showed off his balls.

"Don't judge me okay?" Trigon said, feeling self conscious.

"No, I… like it" she replied lustfully. She reached out her hand to touch them. Her tongue slid across his tip.

"Wow, does every TT fanfiction have to have a weird lemon?" Trigon moaned.


	2. Trigon fucks up

**Hey, guys. Sorry that this story has been dead for a while. Claire kinda gave up on it, but I saw the lovely comments some of you left and decided to write another chapter. Enjoy whatever the hell this is, and hopefully it's at least a little entertaining.**

—

Raven lay sprawled on her bed, her hands between her legs. She whimpered as she stroked herself, cheeks flushing as she thought of murdering all of her closest friends.

"RAVEN!" Trigon yelled, teleporting into her room without knocking. Raven cursed under her breath.

"What now?" She asked, putting her underwear back on.

"I THINK THAT I GOT YOUR SLUTTY FRIEND PREGNANT!"

Raven opened and closed her mouth wordlessly.

"WHAT SHOULD I DO!?"

Raven sighed. "Dad, remember when we went to therapy and talked about boundaries?"

"Yes…."

"And remember how I made it clear that I 1) don't want any siblings, and 2) really don't want to hear about you trying to make them?"

Trigon looked deep in thought. "Oh right…" he said.

"Also, why the fuck did you have sex with Starfire?"

Trigon huffed. "She started it!"

Raven imagined how awesome it would be if her father was a badass demon who killed everyone. It would be better than this, at least.

"Well, what does Starfire want to do?" Raven asked.

"Abort it."

"Good. Tell her to do that. Threaten her at gunpoint if necessary. And please, leave me alone!"

"Okay," Trigon said, turning to leave. "Wait! Why don't I help you with whatever you were doing before I interrupted you?"

Raven made a face. "Um, do we really want it to be that kind of fanfiction?"

"What?"

"Nothing."

"So can I help?" Trigon asked, trying to look friendly and failing miserably.

"No. Get out." Raven snapped. Trigon sighed and teleported out of her room and onto the Chrysler building. Parenting was so hard. He absentmindedly shot a laser from his finger, unintentionally almost starting WWIII. He looked down at his legs. His pretty, hairless legs. Raven has helped with that. He didn't deserve her.

He dejectedly teleported back to the ground, wondering how he could make things right.

He saw a man walking out of a flower shop with a beautiful bouquet, and had a brilliant idea.

—

"RAVEN!" He yelled, once again teleporting into her room without knocking. But this time, he had something in his hand that would make up for it.

"Again? Really?" Raven said, glaring at him over her book.

"I got you a present to say sorry!" Trigon said, cheerfully holding out the thing in his hand.

"What the hell?" Raven asked, wondering how Chuck could let shit like this happen. Her father was holding a long, metal chain in his hand. The chain threaded through a loop in a metal collar. The collar was fastened around the neck of a crying— but still quite sexy— girl.

"It's for you!" Trigon said enthusiastically. "To say that I'm sorry for interrupting you all the time."

Raven sighed. "Is… is that a sex slave?"

"Yup! She's even still a virgin!"

"What the fucking hell?" The girl shouted.

"I'm… touched, Dad, really. But… slavery is kind of illegal? And definitely immoral."

"Don't worry, she's eighteen." Trigon replied. Raven briefly looked like she wanted to die.

"No thanks…" Raven said, even though her demon side wanted to say otherwise.

Trigon's face fell. "Why do I never do anything right?" He said sadly.

"A great place to start would be by letting me go…" the chained woman pleaded.

"She has a point." Raven said. "Let her go."

"Fine." Trigon said, unlocking the collar with his powers. The woman frantically ran out of the room. Trigon flopped down on

the bed next to Raven.

"Why can't you be more demonic?" He complained.

"I think we would be crossing a line by having a rape scene," Raven said, not looking up from her book.

"You're probably right…" Trigon said mournfully. "What are you reading?"

"Felidae. It has a cat sex scene."

"Is that all it's about?" Trigon asked

"No, but saying that is funnier than saying 'it's a fascinating murder mystery that explores the ethics of modern medicine and the line between humans and animals'." (A/N if anyone can name the main character of that book there will definitely be another chapter.)

"Are we breaking the fourth wall too much?" Trigon asked.

"Who knows. At least we're back. This is for you, guest commenters that liked this trainwreck of a fanfic."


End file.
